What Is Faith?

To die is gain. Dying to sin. Dying to self.

Death.

Are these really parts of faith? In the midst of Jesus' words of redemption and forgiveness, there is a sense of morbidness that does not cease to escape me. This morbidness is not in the sense of worldly death and decay but of a spiritual death to the sin that we're born with. The sins of the flesh and the mind. Is it just me that gets so frustrated with myself that it's self-loathing? Why must I do this to myself every day? Even in the crosshairs of spiritual warfare, I find myself giving in to the things that this life was not intended for. I have such a distaste for people and the way they are that I almost refuse to love them the way Jesus does. I think this is why Christianity is so hard for me to accept because I do not like people. I do not like this world. I see more of what's wrong with things than what is right about it. It's the inner conflict inside of me that makes it hard to let God just take control and cleanse me.

I hate the way I am. I hate my lack of faith, lack of patience, joy and love. The passion that I was once proud of has seemingly become my downfall. It's like it's being used against me. It's turned inward. It's turned against religion and faith and everyone who shares it. Whenever I hear about Christians in the news about anything pertaining to rights, politics or agendas, I am very angered. The name of God in this country is being used as a platform for political agendas and movements. It is NOT ok to use his name for ANYTHING other than changing lives.

Christians in America know absolutely freakin' NOTHING about true suffering and persecution. We are pampered babies and we think we have alllllll these rights and obligations from other people to do what we say. It's a well-oiled machine now. It's full of used car salesman and sociopaths who know how to manipulate. It's never been about furthering the human race, only destroying it. Instead of suing people over discrimination, we should just shut the hell up and chalk it up to the fact that this is what you signed up for when you said "yes" to God's call. He TOLD YOU you would be persecuted for your faith in Him. It's expected. The world hates righteousness. The world hates YOU.

So, I may be coming off judgmental and negative but this is how I view Christianity. It's pathetic. I would rather be a Christian anywhere else in the world but in America. There is too much fluff and not enough substance. God Bless America, indeed.

My faith is withering. I'm so busy concentrating on what's wrong with everything, including myself. I forget what Jesus did for me so I don't have to struggle with this but I do. I do because I don't believe in myself. I don't believe in people. Jesus' commands are so simple yet so excruciatingly difficult to uphold. My mind is an intricate mechanism that I only say it's God's gift yet it's my curse. I am so over-analytical with faith that it's become academic and mundane. I keep saying how faith is organic and real and should be freeing but I don't believe that most of the time. I don't feel the freedom and guiltlessness that other Christians possess. Sure I shouldn't compare my faith with others' but at the same time, I'm surrounded by people who are so certain in God and what He is in their lives that I become so envious of them. I want that joy. I want that belief. I want that love. I feel so empty all the time and I'm depressed so much because of it.

I shouldn't be wrapped up in how I feel about all of this when it's not my feelings I should be relying on. Feelings can be used against you like they are against me. My passion is being used against me to tear me down and make me feel worthless so that I believe I'm too dirty and pathetic to come to God.

Well, Lord, I'm asking you now; break this bondage. Break me completely and build me up again. Really show me what your sacrifice means and what it means for my life. Be my saviour. Be my light and my rock. I can't take this self-loathing and depression anymore. Give me your joy and your light burden. Free me from my sin and keep my whole. I know I will have sin in my life for as long as I live but I want to be free. I want to believe in your freedom and understand it so I can share it with someone else who feels the way I do. I obviously can't do any of this on my own and I need your love and your grace to save me. Calm my spirits.

Save me from myself.