The Chief of Sinners

1 Timothy 1:15-16, "Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of who I AM THE WORST (Emphasis mine). But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, THE WORST OF SINNERS (Emphasis mine) Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life."

Paul is wrong.

I AM the worst of sinners. As a human being, I am plagued with this innate sense of wrongdoing and sinfulness. I can't escape it. It's a part of my every day process. Why can't I just live the way God wants me to? Why can't I abide in his mercy and stay there? Why must I continue to do the same stupid things that hinder my relationship with God and the way I feel about myself? What will it take to get me on the right path?

Well, I obviously cannot do anything on my own and I'm done thinking I can even try. Without God, I am NOTHING. Sure, I can beat myself up consistently but even that doesn't work. Sure, I can make empty promises to Jesus knowing full well that promises are meant to be broken, intentionally or not. I can only see myself through God's eyes and realize that I am not my own. There is a nice saying; "Not I but Christ in me". You know, I wish that saying was true for me. I don't feel very Christ-like when I let my lusts overwhelm me or let my mouth explode like a loose cannon. I want Jesus to look down on me and see Himself reflected through my life, not the sinful, prideful, lustful, fool that I must acknowledge I am before any real progress is made.

I am not the kind of person for blind submission to anything but at this point, all I can do is throw myself at the Lord's mercy and hope that he'll forgive me and let me move on with my life. He knows that I'm going to screw up. That can include looking at things I shouldn't be looking at or flipping off someone on the highway or cussing up a storm at work. This isn't being salt of the earth or a beacon for the lost. I am a terrible representative of Christ.

Maybe this is why grace exists.