Tuesday, July 7, 2009

R.I.P. Michael Jackson

I just finished watching the Michael Jackson memorial. I have to say, I cried a lot because I realized watching this that Michael Jackson's music is such an influential part of my life and millions of others. All the people who spoke today, especially the family of Michael, spoke truly about him and very emotionally. I truly believe that Michael was innocent in all the molestation allegations. I feel he was wronged in so many ways. I just really hope now that he has some peace with the Lord; away from all the hatred of the past decade.

He will still be loved by me and by millions of his fans.

Rest eternally, Michael. I'll see you in Heaven.


Thursday, April 23, 2009

What Is Faith?

To die is gain. Dying to sin. Dying to self.


Are these really parts of faith? In the midst of Jesus' words of redemption and forgiveness, there is a sense of morbidness that does not cease to escape me. This morbidness is not in the sense of worldly death and decay but of a spiritual death to the sin that we're born with. The sins of the flesh and the mind. Is it just me that gets so frustrated with myself that it's self-loathing? Why must I do this to myself every day? Even in the crosshairs of spiritual warfare, I find myself giving in to the things that this life was not intended for. I have such a distaste for people and the way they are that I almost refuse to love them the way Jesus does. I think this is why Christianity is so hard for me to accept because I do not like people. I do not like this world. I see more of what's wrong with things than what is right about it. It's the inner conflict inside of me that makes it hard to let God just take control and cleanse me.

I hate the way I am. I hate my lack of faith, lack of patience, joy and love. The passion that I was once proud of has seemingly become my downfall. It's like it's being used against me. It's turned inward. It's turned against religion and faith and everyone who shares it. Whenever I hear about Christians in the news about anything pertaining to rights, politics or agendas, I am very angered. The name of God in this country is being used as a platform for political agendas and movements. It is NOT ok to use his name for ANYTHING other than changing lives.

Christians in America know absolutely freakin' NOTHING about true suffering and persecution. We are pampered babies and we think we have alllllll these rights and obligations from other people to do what we say. It's a well-oiled machine now. It's full of used car salesman and sociopaths who know how to manipulate. It's never been about furthering the human race, only destroying it. Instead of suing people over discrimination, we should just shut the hell up and chalk it up to the fact that this is what you signed up for when you said "yes" to God's call. He TOLD YOU you would be persecuted for your faith in Him. It's expected. The world hates righteousness. The world hates YOU.

So, I may be coming off judgmental and negative but this is how I view Christianity. It's pathetic. I would rather be a Christian anywhere else in the world but in America. There is too much fluff and not enough substance. God Bless America, indeed.

My faith is withering. I'm so busy concentrating on what's wrong with everything, including myself. I forget what Jesus did for me so I don't have to struggle with this but I do. I do because I don't believe in myself. I don't believe in people. Jesus' commands are so simple yet so excruciatingly difficult to uphold. My mind is an intricate mechanism that I only say it's God's gift yet it's my curse. I am so over-analytical with faith that it's become academic and mundane. I keep saying how faith is organic and real and should be freeing but I don't believe that most of the time. I don't feel the freedom and guiltlessness that other Christians possess. Sure I shouldn't compare my faith with others' but at the same time, I'm surrounded by people who are so certain in God and what He is in their lives that I become so envious of them. I want that joy. I want that belief. I want that love. I feel so empty all the time and I'm depressed so much because of it.

I shouldn't be wrapped up in how I feel about all of this when it's not my feelings I should be relying on. Feelings can be used against you like they are against me. My passion is being used against me to tear me down and make me feel worthless so that I believe I'm too dirty and pathetic to come to God.

Well, Lord, I'm asking you now; break this bondage. Break me completely and build me up again. Really show me what your sacrifice means and what it means for my life. Be my saviour. Be my light and my rock. I can't take this self-loathing and depression anymore. Give me your joy and your light burden. Free me from my sin and keep my whole. I know I will have sin in my life for as long as I live but I want to be free. I want to believe in your freedom and understand it so I can share it with someone else who feels the way I do. I obviously can't do any of this on my own and I need your love and your grace to save me. Calm my spirits.

Save me from myself.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

The Theory of Evolution according to South Park

South Park is one of my all-time favorite shows and Mr. Garrison does a not quite off the mark rendition of Darwin's hypothesis.


Thursday, March 12, 2009

Jesus As A Political Movement?

I just finished watching the documentary, Jesus Camp, and I want to share my thoughts on it.

Let me first start off by saying that fundamentalist Christianity is something I separate myself from and do not support. There is a difference between following Jesus with faith and implementing a religion with a political agenda.

I support teaching kids about God but there comes a time when you cross the boundaries between teaching and pure indoctrination or brainwashing, if you will. I feel the latter is the case with the people featured in this film. These kids are basically regurgitating everything their parents and their church leaders are telling them. It's like they don't think for themselves.


These leaders KNOW the kids can't think for themselves so they mold their minds to fit their own beliefs and agendas. Do you really think this was what Jesus had in mind? God gave us free minds to choose whether to follow Him or not and these parents are not giving them that choice. They are robbing them of the opportunity to come to God when they feel ready to be there. There is no faith here, only spoon-fed religious garbage.

I especially was disgusted when they were "blessing" President Bush. I wanted to punch my TV. If these idiots really knew what President Bush was doing with his terms in office, they wouldn't be supporting him. They're so obsessed with having a "Christian nation" that they totally dismiss the corruptness of their hailed leaders. These people are also led by the disgraced pastor, Ted Haggard. If anyone followed the news, you know what happened with him and his hypocrisy. It's hard to preach on homosexuality and all that's wrong with it and up end on the news getting caught with a gay prostitute. Good job, swifty.

This country was NOT founded on Judeo-Christian principles. America was founded with the freedom of religion, no matter what you believed in. I refuse to believe that just America is "God's country". There are plenty of people in other countries who are living for God and it's a slap in the face to them when America claims to be God's country. We are the most scandalous and corrupted nation on Earth. Our government is corrupted. Our politics are corrupted. It seems like you can't trust anything.

Question everything.

I have a major problem with extremism. I have a problem with extremism in everything pertaining to politics or religion or whatever. It reminds me of the Westboro Baptist Church fundamentalists. You know, the God Hates Fags people.


That's a whole 'nother issue that I will address at another time.

If you get a chance, check out the Jesus Camp documentary and see for yourself the craziness that people do, say and think.

Friday, January 9, 2009

What's Already Been Attained

In Rob Bell's book, Velvet Elvis, he has this to say:


No shame.

No list of what is being held against us.

No record of wrongs.

It has simply been done away with.

It is no longer an issue.

Bringing it up is pointless.

Beating myself up is pointless.

Beating others up about who and what they are not is going the wrong direction. It is working against the purposes of God. God is not interested in shaming people; God wants people to see who they really are.

"Let us live up to what we have already attained."

I am not who I was.

You are not who you were.

Old person going away, new person here, now.

Reborn, rebirthed, remade, reconciled, renewed.

Jesus put it this way: "You are in me and I am in you."

Christians are people figuring out their identity. When someone becomes a Christian, they are being transformed into a new person. Jesus takes root in our hearts and cleans house, so to speak. There is no burdening ourselves with senseless legalism that only leads to despair. God wishes to ease our pain, not pile it on with the burden of the Law. That is why Jesus said he came to fulfill the Law so that He was the one to live up to, not the Law.

In my life, I have seen God working in me. I am a project. The good thing is that God never gives up on us though we may give up on Him. I struggle a lot with this faith and it's taken away my joy. The new person I'm supposed to become seems to be chained down in the depths of my heart. There are times where I don't know if he will ever be released. I don't know if I can literally just let Jesus take control and allow Him to be the Savior I accepted. There are times where I feel like Job and pray for death hoping only then will I achieve peace. I'm tired of the sin that courses through my veins. It sickens me. It angers me. I ask Jesus to take it and it's like a part of me retains it because I don't know what I would do without it.

God may not be keeping a record of wrongs for me, but I am for myself.

Jesus, let me be who I really am.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

What Is And Cannot Not Be

Possibility cannot,
account for actuality.
Whatever can come to be,
is caused in order to be.

Nothing cannot be something.
I am but can not be.
My existence depends on,
what is but cannot not be.

Every effect has a cause,
principle of causality.
The existence of God is,
theistic relativity.

the God the heart needs,
the mind only grieves

Monday, November 24, 2008


I am full of so much rage.

As I sit here, I think of everything about religion that infuriates me. I think of the hypocrisy that is blatantly displayed in the public eye. I think of the bondage that the institutionalized hierarchy of Catholicism and Protestantism burdens people. Christianity is supposed to be a belief of freedom. What do we have in America, the so-called land of the free? WE ARE SLAVES.

That's right, we are slaves. Slaves to the religious dogma of accepted hypocrisy and false doctrines. Proof-texting, for example, is one of the biggest corrupters of biblical interpretation. Do you honestly think you can just read a verse and think it's ok to make it say what you want? Bringing African slaves to America was justified using proof-texted Scripture. Wars have been started based off biblical interpretations. No wonder why the world thinks religious belief is so dangerous. Sometimes I agree. Sometimes you have the wrong people believing in religion like fundamentalists and that's when things go to hell. Sure we're all sinners and our lives are corrupted by sin, but honestly, if you're a Christian, you're not ignorant of it. You know if you're teaching false doctrines or not and I condemn you for it.

I am so fed up with Christianity as a religion of liars. I am fed up with the bland structure of unbiblical traditions you find in Catholic churches for example. Church history is laced with sin and corruption, greed, genocide and hypocrisy. I am ashamed of what modern Christianity is. I hate denominations. I hate that we have such division in the ekklesia (church). We are supposed to be one body in Christ and right now, we are nothing but scarred body parts skewered across the land. I blame Catholicism and Protestantism for most of this. We are so worried about how we look to people, how we dress, how we talk, etc. that we forget to just be ourselves. Jesus says come as you are. Instead, we come like used car salesmen building ourselves up. Building up for what? Utter failure. Eat a slice of humble pie, you charlatan.

Now, I may be coming across as harsh and I'm sure some of you (if anyone even reads this stupid thing) will disagree with me. But you know what? I don't give a damn. These are my thoughts and my feelings. I have hate for the stupidity and ignorance that plagues American Christianity. Religion is useless. You want to burdened with legalism and guilt, then religion is perfect for you. I want my freedom, thank you.

Catholicism is an idolators religion. Since when did it become ok to pray to so-called saints, like they have any kind of heavenly power? When did it become ok to ask Mary for anything? Is she greater than God? Did any of you forget the commandment, no other gods before me? Obviously you must have because this practice is still prevelant. When did it become acceptable to elect someone like the Pope and pretty much hail him as a second Christ? He is nothing but a sacred golden calf in human flesh. Good job at repeating history, you fools. Your church hierarchy is despicable. The priesthood is a farce because if you are a follower of Jesus, you are already a priest and therefore are commissioned to minister to everyone. You don't need to be ordained to do that. You don't need to have this false authority bestowed on you. It just breeds arrogance and pride, which was the downfall of Satan. Don't let yourself be lumped into that company. All these rituals and traditions are useless and are just human creations. Isn't that what the Pharisees were doing to earn their favor with God? Once again, history is repeating itself in the Christian church. "Beware of the religious leaders".

I am sick of the guilt that Christians spew on people. All this talk about how sinful everyone is, while neglecting to talk about grace and forgiveness. All this preaching on Hell and how everyone who doesn't agree with you is heading there is exactly what is wrong with Christianity. Don't be surprised to find yourself burning in Hell for your hypocrisy. Also, since when did Christianity become a haven for conservative politics? It is not our problem to involve ourselves in everything. In fact, I would rather Christians stay out of politics. If it meant idiots like Sarah Palin were out of the public eye, then thank God. Conservative, fundamentalist right-wing Christian politics are vomit-inducing.

Are we not allowed to think for ourselves? Are we not allowed to wrestle with doubts and questions and anger? You are witnessing the boiling point of my rage. You are witnessing my question: WHY, LORD, DO YOU ALLOW THIS?

You all make me sick.