To die is gain. Dying to sin. Dying to self.
Death.
Are these really parts of faith? In the midst of Jesus' words of redemption and forgiveness, there is a sense of morbidness that does not cease to escape me. This morbidness is not in the sense of worldly death and decay but of a spiritual death to the sin that we're born with. The sins of the flesh and the mind. Is it just me that gets so frustrated with myself that it's self-loathing? Why must I do this to myself every day? Even in the crosshairs of spiritual warfare, I find myself giving in to the things that this life was not intended for. I have such a distaste for people and the way they are that I almost refuse to love them the way Jesus does. I think this is why Christianity is so hard for me to accept because I do not like people. I do not like this world. I see more of what's wrong with things than what is right about it. It's the inner conflict inside of me that makes it hard to let God just take control and cleanse me.
I hate the way I am. I hate my lack of faith, lack of patience, joy and love. The passion that I was once proud of has seemingly become my downfall. It's like it's being used against me. It's turned inward. It's turned against religion and faith and everyone who shares it. Whenever I hear about Christians in the news about anything pertaining to rights, politics or agendas, I am very angered. The name of God in this country is being used as a platform for political agendas and movements. It is NOT ok to use his name for ANYTHING other than changing lives.
Christians in America know absolutely freakin' NOTHING about true suffering and persecution. We are pampered babies and we think we have alllllll these rights and obligations from other people to do what we say. It's a well-oiled machine now. It's full of used car salesman and sociopaths who know how to manipulate. It's never been about furthering the human race, only destroying it. Instead of suing people over discrimination, we should just shut the hell up and chalk it up to the fact that this is what you signed up for when you said "yes" to God's call. He TOLD YOU you would be persecuted for your faith in Him. It's expected. The world hates righteousness. The world hates YOU.
So, I may be coming off judgmental and negative but this is how I view Christianity. It's pathetic. I would rather be a Christian anywhere else in the world but in America. There is too much fluff and not enough substance. God Bless America, indeed.
My faith is withering. I'm so busy concentrating on what's wrong with everything, including myself. I forget what Jesus did for me so I don't have to struggle with this but I do. I do because I don't believe in myself. I don't believe in people. Jesus' commands are so simple yet so excruciatingly difficult to uphold. My mind is an intricate mechanism that I only say it's God's gift yet it's my curse. I am so over-analytical with faith that it's become academic and mundane. I keep saying how faith is organic and real and should be freeing but I don't believe that most of the time. I don't feel the freedom and guiltlessness that other Christians possess. Sure I shouldn't compare my faith with others' but at the same time, I'm surrounded by people who are so certain in God and what He is in their lives that I become so envious of them. I want that joy. I want that belief. I want that love. I feel so empty all the time and I'm depressed so much because of it.
I shouldn't be wrapped up in how I feel about all of this when it's not my feelings I should be relying on. Feelings can be used against you like they are against me. My passion is being used against me to tear me down and make me feel worthless so that I believe I'm too dirty and pathetic to come to God.
Well, Lord, I'm asking you now; break this bondage. Break me completely and build me up again. Really show me what your sacrifice means and what it means for my life. Be my saviour. Be my light and my rock. I can't take this self-loathing and depression anymore. Give me your joy and your light burden. Free me from my sin and keep my whole. I know I will have sin in my life for as long as I live but I want to be free. I want to believe in your freedom and understand it so I can share it with someone else who feels the way I do. I obviously can't do any of this on my own and I need your love and your grace to save me. Calm my spirits.
Save me from myself.
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3 comments:
Hello fellow Christian metalhead!
I can totally sympathize with your post. I also struggle with self-loathing and it's gotten so bad I can't continue a normal daily routine anymore. Because I condemn myself so much I too have trouble loving other people since I condemn them the same way though I don't want to.
I also used to be very passionate and proud of it but I think that was maybe not a good thing. Now that I look back, I was very self-righteous and legalistic. I didn't actually understand God's grace, I just thought I had to follow rules. Inevitably I found myself unable to follow them and thus am in this pit of self-hatred to put it simply. And yet, I can confidently say God has saved me from myself because I have experienced it when my hatred nearly ruined my life before and I know He will save me again because that's just who He is. I guess the hard part is faithfully waiting for His perfect timing. Meanwhile I've been taking steps to strengthen my faith and maybe you will find them useful for yourself. The main thing I did is to get closer with people at my church, especially my pastor. Of course this wasn't easy for me because I don't easily trust or really like people but God broke me down so I had to and I am glad for it. My pastor has become an amazing counsellor for me and I'm in a good small group where I can share my thoughts safely and be encouraged by others. I had always seen myself as an outsider to any group, including the church, but now the Lord is slowly breaking that down. Human interaction is really where we live out our faith and become transformed since God is all about relationships. Anyway, I don't want to sound preachy. Just want you to know I'm a kindred spirit struggling in a similar situation so I'm open to conversing if you like.
Spiritual warfare is so difficult so I pray that you will continue your prayer at the end of your post as I will for myself!
Brandon; here are a couple of clips from your essay entitled What is Faith:
My faith is withering. I'm so busy concentrating on what's wrong with everything, including myself. I forget what Jesus did for me so I don't have to struggle with this but I do. I do because I don't believe in myself. I don't believe in people.
Well, Lord, I'm asking you now; break this bondage. Break me completely and build me up again. Really show me what your sacrifice means and what it means for my life.
Fasten your theological seat-belt, and allow me to respond with a radical rethinking of the nature of Jesus Christ. Actually; what I am about to propose might be better described as an un-rethinking of Jesus, one which seeks to end the cross-denominational stranglehold of the Nicene Creed upon the Christian imagination, and with it your suffering. Here’s why:
Jesus is not the proper object of faith. Jesus himself prayed to the Father. He instructed his followers to pray to the Father [the Lord’s Prayer]. Jesus made clear statements in the Gospels, indicating that he was distinct from and inferior to the Father. When Jesus said elsewhere that he and the Father were one; we can surmise that he meant a oneness of purpose, not a oneness of being, thereby preserving the integrity of all sayings involved.
John’s Gospel tells us that Jesus was “the Word become flesh,” again distinguishing Jesus from God, just as the Word is distinguished from God in the Hebrew Bible, and again in the Apocrypha. Both the Word and Christ exhibit oneness with the divine purpose, yet the Bible does not ascribe oneness of being with God to either. Thus it is the Message [Word] of Christ that is of importance to Christians, not Christ the messenger.
Why do many Christians get bogged down by perceiving what’s “wrong with everything,” as you put it? Here’s a thought: because they adulate, pedastalize, and [yes] idolize Jesus. They have accepted an image-concept of Jesus that shines so brightly as to burn everything it touches! That is; they transform a paganized image of Jesus the king and high priest into an image of the deity Himself! They worship the king and throw away the Kingdom. They cannot see the Vision for the visionary.
In their misguided quest for Redemption; they commit the mother of all sins: Idolatry. This idol, to make matters worse, asks the impossible, and sets an apparently impossible example to follow. Therefore post-Nicene Christianity, with its idolization [and effective de-humanization] of Christ, has accomplished nothing more than the institutizing of guilt! None can measure up, thus there is little wonder in that many Christians do not believe in themselves, or in people.
I say Wake-Up! The Message of Christ is the realization, the unveiling of our divine son and daughter-ships. The divine Word did not take a mortal form some 2,000 years ago so that we could feel miserable about ourselves! Jesus was not the “only” son of God, as is so often translated into English Bibles [from the Greek monogenis, meaning “one of a kind”]. Rather he was a powerful and unusual [even among his kind] son of God, chosen to reveal our true natures to those who sleep.
Let us turn now to your second quote above: You ask God to break your bondage, and show you the nature of that most celebrated of sacrifices [which I presume to be the crucifixion of Christ]. My opinion is that the crucifixion-resurrection of Christ has become far too central to our faith, as can be gleaned by a careful reading of the Epistle to the Hebrews [chap. 5-6]. The motif of a dying-rising savior is older than Christianity, and is [so far as I know] exclusively Pagan in nature. It’s inclusion in the early Gospels [with Mark being a notable exception] was an attempt to market Christianity to Greco-Romans, and was not a legitimate outgrowth of monotheistic thought.
The impressive power of Jesus to turn people’s lives around radiates from his Message [Word], not from a Pagan sacrifice of salvific blood donation! Oneness with God does not flow from faith in a gruesome, Pagan ritual [blood sacrifice] inflicted on the God-head Himself. Oneness with the divine is about achieving greater and greater levels of synonymous purpose with the God-head [Heavenly Father of Jesus Christ]. Indeed; if “God died,” who resurrected him!? The real thrust behind this myth, I suspect, has been the desire of various imperial powers to justify their horrible acts behind the idea of regeneration through destruction.
These powers have occupied the Churches, forwarding the horrible idea of “conversion by the sword,” and they have existed in seats of political power as well, where they have sought to shove their “superior cultures” down other peoples’ throats, while duping their own subjects into thanking them for it! Personally; I am outraged that Jesus was crucified, and accept none of this “it HAD to be done” business. We must rescue the wisdom of Jesus from the horrible, Pagan myth of regeneration through destruction, and work to un-do its influence on subsequent Churches and governments.
In summary; Jesus believed in us to the very bottom of his heart, and that is why we ought to believe in him-as an all-time great friend of humanity. He did not come here so that we may believe in him [as God]; he came because he [and God who sent him] believed in us! He came to set people free, in accordance with the will of the Father, not to bind us to impossible expectations and imperialist religious and secular institutions! That is why he frightened the Romans so much; that is why his followers were hijacked into a Pagan, imperialist-theology of Roman design. Despite the improvements managed by the Protestant reformation; the poison of a Paganized Jesus was passed on, and so both wings of the Church are soiled to this day.
I’ll stop here: The above ideas reveal my own, Jewish-Christian understanding of Jesus and his Church. I believe that Jesus was, in fact, a Theistic Humanist [not a secular humanist], and that this has been desperately hidden from many believers for a long, long time! The big surprise to authentic Christianity is not so-much that “Jesus was the son of God;” it is that YOU and ME are! I hope and pray that my efforts herein have been useful. May God bless you, Brandon.
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